Wednesday, November 29, 2006

a little less suspicious, a little more faith

I'd come across an interesting article in Star paper this morning about 'We're not really unfriendly anyway'. It mention about how reserve we are in socializing. We as malaysian especially the chinese community are very reserve in interacting with each other especially to strangers. It's due to the fact that since young we're taught not to receive sweets from strangers or not to talk to strangers. Couldnt be helped, our overall safety has made us laid a protective wall against unknown people, fear of being abusely taken advantage in any manner. In fact, our country is not as safe compare to those developed countries throughout the world.

When was the last time you say hi and initiate a conversation with a total stranger? Although I'm considered friendly in some sense but then I'm considered cool and conservative when it comes to this. While I was in UK, it's different whereby people will say 'Good morning' even if they meet you on the street and not knowing you at all. Same applies to some foreign mmu students where they will wish you goodluck guessing you'll be having your exams later on (from your frustrated look =P). In Malaysia, when you say 'hi' to a girl you dont know, she will think that you try to hit on her or going to sell some product to her or maybe trying to kidnap her?

Perhaps we should be a little less suspicious and have a little more faith on others. Not all guys want to get under your pants when they'd initiate a conversation tho guys are perverted bastard in some sense. But then people say it's better to be safe than sorry.. stay away from strangers.

Having faith on others is the ideal situation in any relationship between human. We're always afraid of losing, losing the trust or maybe other material loss and that's why faith always come the last. Maybe one day in the distance future where our country had reach a developed state with a very low crime rate, a peaceful community and a reputated safety level, we'll be less aware and less suspicious with people...

p/s: My current msn's profile stated 'i generate 2times the heat of normal person' due to having heaty body and sore throat. Most people who touch my body would think that I'm having fever most of the time. But then when I'd that profile, numerous msn kaki(s) think that i'm boasting bout my hotness or being hotter compare to others n they'd like 'fk you' .. kinda funny tho seems like they'd no faith on my angelic pure soul :D

human r suspicious creature anyway ~

Monday, November 27, 2006

thousand ways to die, one life to live..

Sometime ago, someone told me life is about choices and consequences. It's a very common statement that makes sense in a very realistic and static point of view. The consequence of failing your exam is because you choose to be lazy or maybe you're being dump by your partner because you choose to do something that indirectly lead to that incident? Sometimes it's not for us to choose since although there are many different choices that can be made, our path has already been decided may it be destiny or fate or maybe we don't know about the consequences that will happen. If things are that simple and predictable and we always made the right choice, life would not be as dynamic as before.

I always believe in having choices that leads to different outcomes. I love this theory coz it sounds like karma, be good to others and others will be good to you (sometimes...) But then, I do notice that I'd made a number of wrong decisions which never lead to satisfactory consequences. Why when you are realistic and confident enough, smart but still somehow manage to pick the wrong choice? That's my problem, I think too highly about myself and being too confident with it. Again sometimes it's not just about the choice it's about the whole process..

And this bring my mind wondering, there are like thousands of ways to die and yet we only have one chance doing it. Ain't we suppose to die in a manner we'd always dream of or maybe most people just ignore such thought fear of facing death. Oh well, I'm so free that I could made a list of ways to die in general..

Dying in accident (rating 2/10)
A very bad way to die indeed, may it be car accident or natural disaster coz you'll not obtained the corpse of yourself in a perfect form. Ugly way of dying and will make people around you depress if you have someone who love you.

Dying of sickness (rating 3/10)
Life is no 'Walk to Remember' movie where there's someone going to marry you just because you are dying of leukimia. Instead you'll get very skinny and boney (if you enjoy looking at bones of yourself then it wud be fine) and the medical bill will cost alot to your family till a stage they'd hope u shud go to god to end everyone's suffering.

Dying of laughter (rating 5/10)
At least you had fun before you die ...

Dying of old age (rating 7/10)
Tho some(there are sick people everywhere) might think it's ugly to die during old age n always hope to die before the physical turns into dried prunes, it's the best way of dying since people around you will not feel much grieve and you'd seen enough of the world.. unless you die a virgin.. duh~

Dying in heroic act (rating 8/10)
I dont mean saving a stupid kid in the lake n get drown to death as heroic act. What I mean is like Bruce Willis in the movie 'Armageddon' where he'd sacrifice his life to save the world. By so at least your name will be recorded in history. It proves your existance in this world..

Orgasmic death ! (HOLY SHIT 10/10 !)
Fuck fuck fuck n die ~ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
kidding !

But then, people says its not about how you die but its about how you'd lived your life. It's not about the consequences from the choice you've made but it's the process of it from the choice. There's no single rule that applies to everything in the world. Open up your mind and heart to absorb what the world can offer you in the process of living your life, may it be the right or wrong choice it doesnt matter at all sometimes. Well, even if I sounds gungho in all those wisdom words of mine but could I implement them ? Open up mind n heart ? I'm always contradicting with myself...

What a long piece of crap .. hahaha ~

Saturday, November 18, 2006


Though I'm not really in a cheerful mood but then being upset over all the events happened never really help in any sense and no one will sympathize you. It's always better to look on the beautiful side, and learn from mistakes done and work harder next time. Previous entry has brought in some unwanted attention which is shooo shoooo.. n thus I'll post some something in a different mood

Beautiful path, picture taken when I was in UK.. such a calm and serenity feeling =) Back then I was thinking, aint that great if you could spent your whole life in such a scene~ but oh well, life would be boring then..

The maple leaf :D

Blue sky in Leeds Castle.. People say weather do affect one's mood n guess it's very true..

Life is like a maze and people always trap in it. But then, looking from the different view it's actually a beautiful maze. Leeds Castle Maze~

Moral of this post is no matter how fucked up life is, just endure it coz there's always the beautiful side of it. Actually feel like deleting the previous post but then it's kinda waste coz I'd spent a full 30 minutes writing it. So for those readers of my blog that I love, have a great day ahead n Happy Thanksgiving n if yall want more of those pictures could just directly request from me :D

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The Night That Ends it All

After years of so called 'open relationship', I can now come with a conclusion that open relationsip does not work for nice people who tried to be nice. In fact open relationship is not a relationship after all. It's more like a game. She'd choose to start the game and I'd try my best to play it, things got complicated and it hurts.

Tonight I've made one of the most selfish statement, which in order to make myself feel better I'd prefer not to even be friends with her like what normal friends do. I know I myself couldnt cope with it, I expect more than what friends do and I couldnt get over with the past memories. I lost totally in this game, losing the person I'd actually wanted to be together and now I couldnt recover from it. Perhaps it's a mistake for her to start the game back then until tonight I'd say something that both of us will regret in future, or maybe just me.

She'd get teary when I said we should not keep in touch. In fact I myself feels the heartache the most. For me being selfishly coming up with such thoughts hoping that in years to come I'd get over with the past that haunted me, get over with the fact that I'd let someone I love walked way without being able to do anything. Or I should just keep quite with it.. let the stupidity of myself take over and we'd enjoy another night of hanging out together. But this is probably the last time we'd met, for me coming out with such a selfish statement to someone who treasures friendship..

Anyway there's something funny happened.. the police did knocked my window asking what were we doing. Oh well, the whole night is more towards being in silence most of the time, me giving my bullshit screw-up statement of my mind that I'll probably regret at near future.. or maybe right now. I couldnt help it, I'd great memories about the past. She'd say it's sweet to remember those stuff, for me it's scary coz my screw fucked up mind somehow works extra hard in this kinda shit n captured photographic memory where I can remember the clothes weared 2 years ago by her.. Lets see..
1st date - Portugese Settlement n Klebang wearing white top
2nd date - Got my christmas stars.. too happy to notice the clothes
3rd date - She wears pooh t-shirt n fetch me for the 1st time
4th date - Wearing ausmat t-shirt
5th date - Pink top with lotsa silver handbands
6th date - Forgotten coz too many stars
7th date - Green snoopy top
8th meeting - Red boxes dress which look so cute(I passed her the keys)
9th meeting - MMU registration white longsleve shirt
10th date - Dark colour top
11th date - Blue longsleve shirt more like sweater looking (tat time I'd fetch her sis back)
12th date - Christmas date.. It's something pink
13th date - Green top so called philolephia .. extra belated valentines
12th date - Strip blue n white shirt
13th date - Black t-shirt with a KISS
14th date - Forgotten.. relationship started sour =/
15th date - 'LOVE' dark t-shirt
16th n last - Lacey white top

Ain't that scary ? How is it possible for me to get a new gf with such memory haunting me ? Though it's a sweet memory but sometimes we never know what we really want. I myself never know what I really want. To chose to erase all the memories is definitely not my choice. To live with it is still hard. I'd said I dont feel like talking to you anymore in the future but that's not what I'd wanted. Somehow it might be wrong to give too much. Anyway we just met 16 times for like so many years =/

I'm sorry dearie if you'd read this post. I don't mean to make you upset and I always wish to be with you even if we're just friends. Just that for now I really don't know what I wanted n I'm so sorry to make you teary. In fact I myself felt the most pain. Driving in the highway tonight never feel the same before, the mist just makes everything so down n I'd admit I'd tears despite being very macho before that. I'm sorry...

For those who read my blog, please do not ever mention anything about my fucked up relationship nor use it as a case study coz I'm enough depressed with it. All you can do is to pray for miracles for me. 8th December 2005 she'd told me nothing is too late.. what about 8th December 2006? I learnt from somewhere, there will be a second chance as long as there's a first step.. oh well

This wud be da last time i'd blog bout such crap.. time to learn how to move on..

p/s: I'm writting this down today so that one day in the future when I started to regret bout what I'd done, I could still know what actually happened.