The Night That Ends it All

After years of so called 'open relationship', I can now come with a conclusion that open relationsip does not work for nice people who tried to be nice. In fact open relationship is not a relationship after all. It's more like a game. She'd choose to start the game and I'd try my best to play it, things got complicated and it hurts.

Tonight I've made one of the most selfish statement, which in order to make myself feel better I'd prefer not to even be friends with her like what normal friends do. I know I myself couldnt cope with it, I expect more than what friends do and I couldnt get over with the past memories. I lost totally in this game, losing the person I'd actually wanted to be together and now I couldnt recover from it. Perhaps it's a mistake for her to start the game back then until tonight I'd say something that both of us will regret in future, or maybe just me.

She'd get teary when I said we should not keep in touch. In fact I myself feels the heartache the most. For me being selfishly coming up with such thoughts hoping that in years to come I'd get over with the past that haunted me, get over with the fact that I'd let someone I love walked way without being able to do anything. Or I should just keep quite with it.. let the stupidity of myself take over and we'd enjoy another night of hanging out together. But this is probably the last time we'd met, for me coming out with such a selfish statement to someone who treasures friendship..

Anyway there's something funny happened.. the police did knocked my window asking what were we doing. Oh well, the whole night is more towards being in silence most of the time, me giving my bullshit screw-up statement of my mind that I'll probably regret at near future.. or maybe right now. I couldnt help it, I'd great memories about the past. She'd say it's sweet to remember those stuff, for me it's scary coz my screw fucked up mind somehow works extra hard in this kinda shit n captured photographic memory where I can remember the clothes weared 2 years ago by her.. Lets see..
1st date - Portugese Settlement n Klebang wearing white top
2nd date - Got my christmas stars.. too happy to notice the clothes
3rd date - She wears pooh t-shirt n fetch me for the 1st time
4th date - Wearing ausmat t-shirt
5th date - Pink top with lotsa silver handbands
6th date - Forgotten coz too many stars
7th date - Green snoopy top
8th meeting - Red boxes dress which look so cute(I passed her the keys)
9th meeting - MMU registration white longsleve shirt
10th date - Dark colour top
11th date - Blue longsleve shirt more like sweater looking (tat time I'd fetch her sis back)
12th date - Christmas date.. It's something pink
13th date - Green top so called philolephia .. extra belated valentines
12th date - Strip blue n white shirt
13th date - Black t-shirt with a KISS
14th date - Forgotten.. relationship started sour =/
15th date - 'LOVE' dark t-shirt
16th n last - Lacey white top

Ain't that scary ? How is it possible for me to get a new gf with such memory haunting me ? Though it's a sweet memory but sometimes we never know what we really want. I myself never know what I really want. To chose to erase all the memories is definitely not my choice. To live with it is still hard. I'd said I dont feel like talking to you anymore in the future but that's not what I'd wanted. Somehow it might be wrong to give too much. Anyway we just met 16 times for like so many years =/

I'm sorry dearie if you'd read this post. I don't mean to make you upset and I always wish to be with you even if we're just friends. Just that for now I really don't know what I wanted n I'm so sorry to make you teary. In fact I myself felt the most pain. Driving in the highway tonight never feel the same before, the mist just makes everything so down n I'd admit I'd tears despite being very macho before that. I'm sorry...

For those who read my blog, please do not ever mention anything about my fucked up relationship nor use it as a case study coz I'm enough depressed with it. All you can do is to pray for miracles for me. 8th December 2005 she'd told me nothing is too late.. what about 8th December 2006? I learnt from somewhere, there will be a second chance as long as there's a first step.. oh well

This wud be da last time i'd blog bout such crap.. time to learn how to move on..

p/s: I'm writting this down today so that one day in the future when I started to regret bout what I'd done, I could still know what actually happened.