Friday, June 23, 2006


I'm afraid of failing exams. I'm afraid of losing someone in a relationship. But all this couldnt match the fear of having family problems. I have to admit that in my life, family always go first. Pampered brats love their family coz they couldnt afford to lose the feeling of being pampered, loved and secured.

I'm once a very pampered brat. Having asthma since four years old, I brought lotsa trouble to my parents. Almost every week I'll need to visit the clinics. I had an angel who took care of me soooo much. Still remembered when my angel woke me up at night just to feed me bird nest for my asthma, I'll throw tantrum everytime and mommy will tell bed time stories till I fell asleep. My mom would always tell me that she's the one who love me the most in the world. Since very young, every night she would ask 'Who love you the most question' until I'm so sick and embarrased about it.

Having goodnight kiss everyday was just annoying that time. Milo time before sleep was compulsory because I was weak. When I grew older, I started to grow stronger, enrolling in Taekwondo and swimming. My mom was so proud of me back then. She just never fail to tell everyone how much she loved me until the extend of announcing to relatives that she even kissed my foot.. and yes I'm serious about it! And when she tell me that she loved me forever, I never doubt it before coz she's not saying just for the sake of temporary romance like most male-female relationship.

How pampered could it be having someone who care for you in everything till the extend of kissing your foot? My mommy will do everything for me. She did a great job maintaining the family, controling my dad's unpredictable behaviour and also a career woman. One day, mommy and daddy pick me up from school, telling this news about her sickness. Things started to change and I know I couldnt be too pampered anymore. Years passed and I learned to take care of myself and be independant so that my mom would still be proud of me. I learned to do simple stuff which a brat never need to do (I've maid since young before mommy left). My dad sucks at managing the family although he tried his best.

Losing the angel of your life, there's no one telling you how much you're loved, how much you're cared and how important you are. I lost the feeling of being pampered at 14. My dad tried to do a great parenting job altough he really sucks at it. He don't remember my tuition fees, don't remember birthdays, don't do laundry for us and everything. Still, there's this night, when I was having food poisoning and vomiting (I alwiz had food poisoning due to unhealthy eating behavior), my dad asked me to sleep with him. Even if he couldnt help on anything and I might still need to clean the mess, I manage to get back the feeling of being cared and pampered once again. From there I know, I will always try to cherish my dad.

Years passed and my dad get married again. Somehow we're having problems with my dad's wife. Arguements start to happen and still we try, very hard, to tolerate with her but failed. I've no idea how I could handle being a part of this family if things go wrong continuously. Just because I love my dad I still hold on trying not to let things get worst. And it affected my mood today, past weeks, past months... still hoping for a bright tomorrow.

Everyone has his own problem. Now all I need is a big warm hug and someone telling me that I'm being loved so much, motivate me spiritually.. tough chance, since I had lost my angel. Getting an angel through relationship ? Nah... I'm just too tired to think of it anymore....

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Economics Class

How fun can economics class be? VERY FUN INDEED ...

The lecturer told us about Production Possibility Frontiers (PPF) and the 'Frontiers' actually means the curve in the graphs. Now guys let our imagination drive us wild with the term curves, curves, curves, boobies...OPS

And build a sentence..

"I love your frontiers! It's like Ceteris Paribus..

And if you think that's a name of some Italian porn star :p

Oh yeah I'm getting married! Ain't she pretty :p

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Friday Night Is Party Night

Friday night is the time for party and club :) Too bad I'm just not the type being party popper. I went to Ruum Bar & Club on Wednesday night just to watch College Icon competition. Amused by the talents of those participants, it was such a great show. Still, I'm not interested on the clubbing environment. Just never like the smoking environment the idea of socialing for sexual contact, although I do agree that a very small portion just want to make friends; minority of them of coz. I respect woman the way woman should be and never will treat them just for sexual pleasure. In other words, I'm having a very high possibility of dying as a virgin if I'm to die before 30 :p

Talking bout my previous two entry, I'm not trying to be pathetic or anything in common. I'm just writing out things so that I'm clear of what I'm thinking. It's more towards personal reflecting so if anyone happen to read it please do not speculate anything from it. A friend of mine was affected by my entry, not sure if it's a good thing or not, I'm wishing you all the best..

Oh well, talking about relationship I just watch this Hongkie drama. There is this ideal husband who has an affair outside and later to be found out by the wife. The wife who thought that she was the happiest person ever of course filling a divorce to him. The husband eventually know his mistake and beg for forgiveness in a very pathetic way after doing mistakes again and again. Once she felt that he's the best guy ever but being pathetic just lost all the chance of getting back to track. The moral of this story is even if you had an affair, and admitted it you shouldnt be too pathetic and hold too tight asking for forgiveness coz pushing too hard just never break the wall. Notice that being too lovey-dovey just never last long in a relationship and it's better to be more open and less attached with it.

And about relationship again, compromising is very important not just between couple but people around. That's what my stepmom needs to learn alot. She just never compromise and wants everything her way.. or maybe she's just too stubborn..

This post is getting long and crappy :p I should be watching Holland match right now.. or maybe I should sleep coz later morning I'll need to drive back Penang. Need to get a new router too coz my internet line is terribly affected. I can't even send proper msg tru MSN and that's really pissin me off. It makes me like a clingy possesive person trying to ask what she's doing again and again coz I never get reply from her although she had replied me. And being possesive and clingy is the last thing I want to do...

Goodnight :D

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Trying too hard

Perhaps what she mentioned before was right. Our outings seem to be kinda boring in some sense. As a pampered brat she has all da rights not to plan for anything and I'm suppose to compromise on that characteristic of hers since when you are loving someone you should love every pieces of shit in her.

After rationalizing the situation, I guess Melaka has really little places to go especially when the hours we went out prohibits alot of places. I'm not a host in Melaka and I don't have a home there so I couldnt invite over to my place to spend some quality time. Maybe I'm trying too hard to make every meeting a date. Maybe even when we meet it's not that important to go for a date as well. It's this mentality of mine that in long distance relationship, we should fully utilize every opportunity to meet up.. which is wrong. Sometimes even if you try too hard it'll still end up boring and will just rot everything that has been built up.

The balance between spending enough time together and having a moment of great time is important. This makes long distance crappy relationship such a pain in da ass. Perhaps sometimes it's better that even when we have the opportunity to meet up, it's better to just have a hug and a kiss in da cheek and bid goodbye if there's nothing interesting up in da mind. But beware that too much of such act will lead to lazy brain that will not take initiative to do plannings unless you're considered pampered brat.

So, guess that I shouldnt try too hard. My new approach is to love whole heartly and leave everything to fate. It's much more fun when we could bump in streets coincidentally just like hongkie drama, altough it's a tough chance...

Friday, June 09, 2006

What I've Learn

I watched discovery channel this afternoon, and I learnt that the difference between human and animals are the ability to imagine things, imagine stuff which create our own world of imagination. Imagination is important, to create new inventions and new ideas through imagination.

When emotions clash with imaginations, disastrous thoughts will come out. Emotions makes human irrational in many decisions. I'd been emotionally imagining stuff which shouldnt cross my mind in very first place, thus feeling more insecure in my relationship. Maybe I'm too free and that's why the brain just gone wild and travel mindlessly.

First of all, I never realised that I was caught by the past. I fear too much of losing her all over again. Fear of being neglected and with all the emotions adding into the wild imagination make things even worst. Another mistake of me was not trying to rationalize situation. With all the stupid thoughts and emotions I never try to understand her characteristic and just being annoying. To think back, I'm such a loser in many ways.

Anyway, I do admit what I have done wrong and I'll try not to repeat the same mistake again. The ability to admit mistake and the determination to not repeating it again is what makes me different from most typical losers. Last time, I've learn that we shouldnt take relationship for granted and for this time I learn that we shouldnt keep too focus on it until neglecting all the other elements. I should let go and shouldnt be too tense with it. Well, maybe this whole crappy relationship might not end in proper but I've learnt alot from it.

Hunny if you happen to read this post.. I'm sorry :)

Friday, June 02, 2006

A thoughtful morning

Love is like a business. A business opportunity that you wish to grow it and hoping that it will turn out the way you wish, be it small petty business or large entreprenuership. The one you are having relationship with is like your business partner. The person who will commit with you together to make the business prosperous.

Sometimes in life we managed to find the business partner that suits your way of doing things. Maybe he's not aggresive but is very commited in maintaining the business or maybe you enjoy his investment even if he's not doing anything and not commited.

Sometimes you get partners that are more commited in his other business rather than the one both of you trying to build. For instance, tiny nasi lemak stall's owner wants to talk about the the future growth of his nasi lemak stall with his partner but his business partner who is occupied with other more important business he assumed, will just reply "Let see how things go first" and will only contact you back when he's really available, not even taking the initiative to arrange a time slot. Well that might be his priority towards other business and his business partner should respect the way he handle his other stuff. Pathetically the tiny nasi lemak stall owner will feel neglected, even if it's just a small stall but it's a business that he trully commit himself. In some moment he might think if he had choosen the right business partner that has the same lust towards nasi lemak.

Sometimes you prefer not to partner with anyone. You'd prefer one man show business, doing everything your own without being commited. You only work for yourself and you'll not have the feeling of being responsible towards your non-existance business partner.

Note that i use 'HE' coz in the business world is full of chinkak men.

Well that's what I'm feeling right now.....